It's not love that keeps my marriage alive - it's SEX: The clergyman's wife who says desire has helped them through dark times

 

Annie Atkins says her celibate husband was the sexiest man she had ever met when they met, aged 20

• Annie Atkins says sex was the reason she married her husband Shaun
• Ms Atkins says her and clergyman husband seem to be in the minority 
• A survey has shown that 55 per cent of adults are happy with their sex lives

The other day, my husband Shaun and I went to a friend's drinks party. As the wine flowed, we got talking to a group of 50-something couples and the polite chatter turned to how we had all met our partners.

'And why did you marry each other?' we were asked in turn.

Spontaneously - and without conferring - Shaun and I both simultaneously said 'Sex,' and then laughed.

The couple who had asked us, both marriage counsellors, looked deeply shocked: 'We've never heard anyone say that before.'

Apparently, most couples say utterly drippy things such as: 'We wanted to support each other.'

Perhaps our reply was particularly shocking because Shaun is a clergyman. But the truth is that we vowed our lives to each other so we could make love to each other - for life.

While sex once seemed easy, it can tail off in later life thanks to the menopause, fears over our ageing bodies and the sad truth that familiarity can breed contempt

As this conversation, and a survey released last week by marriage counselling service Relate, showed, we seem to be in a minority.

" While sex once seemed easy, it can tail off in later life thanks to the menopause, fears over our ageing bodies and the sad truth that familiarity can breed contempt"

Relate's survey revealed that more than half the population has not had sex in the past four weeks, and 55 per cent of adults are unhappy with their sex life.

This is apparently because we're all so bombarded with messages about how sex 'ought to be' - in films, books such as Fifty Shades Of Grey, magazines and websites - that we're starting to avoid it altogether for fear of seeming less than perfect.

And this pressure can be especially prevalent for the over-50s. While sex once seemed easy, it can tail off in later life thanks to the menopause, fears over our ageing bodies and the sad truth that familiarity can breed contempt.

Well, lack of perfection has never bothered me - in fact, as we've got older, sex has become better and better.

The couple, who met at Oxford, married at 22, after Annie fell for Shaun's steely reserve and passion

People often say love inevitably changes from the heady, adrenaline-charged romance and lust of youth to something much more staid in middle age; that you can't stay 'in love' all your life. I passionately disagree.

Life-long love goes through different phases, but part of the endless fascination of it is that you never know where it might go next.

After all, what makes love-making within a marriage so endlessly interesting and fun is not endless variety, but the endless challenges in loving just one person.

The couple, who have five children, have been through hard times including Shaun's breakdown

People might be surprised to hear me - a regular on Radio 4's Thought For The Day and mother of five children - talk so openly about the crucial importance of love-making.

But it's the bond that has kept us together, the thread running through our shared lives, particularly when times have been difficult.

After being fortunate enough to find my perfect lover in my early 20s, I can't imagine ever wanting to be celibate.

Shaun and I met in our second year at Oxford University, both aged 20.

One morning a few months later, when we still barely knew each other, I took a break from an essay to visit him for coffee.

He utterly stunned me by telling me he was 'madly in love' with me.

That day I wrote to my parents: 'Just before lunchtime, I fell in love.'

Unlike Shaun - who, as a committed Christian, had kept himself scrupulously pure, not even kissing a girl - I'd had boyfriends through my teens, but had never wanted to have sex with any of them. With Shaun, I felt very differently. He woke something in me that I'd never felt before.

With his quiet, steely reserve and flashes of Irish poetry and passion, he was, quite simply, the sexiest man I'd ever met.

We wanted each other so much that he proposed to me later that year and we agreed to marry as soon as we reasonably could - straight after our Finals, aged 22.

Waiting for our wedding night to make love was far more difficult than getting a degree.

So, naturally, we told the shocked couple at the drinks party that we married for sex.

Ms Atkins was so attracted to Shaun she found the wait for their wedding night harder than getting her degree

Otherwise, why bother? Why not just be friends?

After all, it's sex that makes this relationship different from all others. However much we love our family and children and parents and friends, it is only the two of us who share that part of our lives together.

One of the great fallacies of married life is that during the downs, love-making must decline. In my experience, that's when sexual intimacy, even if not sex itself, is more crucial than ever.

NO AGE LIMIT

Nearly a third of women and over half of men over 70 are still sexually active

Throughout our many years together, Shaun and I have encountered tough times as well as good.

After our first child was born, I went off sex for several weeks. At the time I felt guilty - I believed I was letting Shaun down and I honestly didn't know whether I would ever be interested in making love again.

I explained and apologised. He told me not to be so silly and just held me each night in a friendly hug, which probably restored me far faster than anything else could have done.

Annie admits she understand how older couples can become shy about making love... +8 View gallery

But claims that making love to her husband is the closest form of togetherness they have +8 View gallery

A passionate sex life has kept the couple strong though difficult times, boosting their self-esteem

I've never felt that way since - not even after the births of the next four - but it communicated to me very memorably that sometimes the most loving way to make love is to give an undemanding cuddle.

Some years ago, Shaun had got into a rut in his parish and he retreated into himself. He barely spoke for several weeks, let alone touched me.

I was so wretched and lonely I wanted to die, and for that brief time I could understand what drives women to take lovers.

What makes love-making within a marriage so endlessly interesting and fun is not endless variety, but the endless challenges in loving just one person

Happily I didn't, and when we eventually were together again, we were as close as ever.

 
"What makes love-making within a marriage so endlessly interesting and fun is not endless variety, but the endless challenges in loving just one person"

But our troubles were not yet over. Several years ago, Shaun suffered a devastating, work-induced breakdown. When our wonderful and sympathetic GP suggested helping him through the first few weeks with an anti-depressant, my heart sank.

The whole family was going through terrible trauma as a result of it all. It's honestly true that making love was the only activity for some time that had put a spontaneous smile on my face.

I dreaded the drug and its side effects. Would Shaun lose all desire for me? Was I not even to have that pleasure any more?

Happily, that didn't happen, but in a bid to boost his self-esteem, I felt the least I could do was to take the initiative frequently in the bedroom.

I remember reading a magazine article not long afterwards about a couple who vowed to make love to each other every day for a year and thinking: ‘Only once a day?’

As I write, I am going through a fragile phase. Our daughter has been struggling with a long-term illness and I’ve been missing my dear late mother every day.

Even through her husband's breakdown and her mother's death, Annie says sex gives the couple intimacy +8 View gallery

Even through her husband's breakdown and her mother's death, Annie says sex gives the couple intimacy

So I don’t feel particularly sexy, but nonetheless I value sex more than ever.

When Shaun makes love to me, I feel whole again. By night, it gives me a far deeper sleep; in the morning, more energy for the day. It’s the closest form of togetherness we have.

There are many ways to make love. A flower, a passionate text, a passing kiss — each can be thrilling and memorable.

And if people are genuinely so intimidated by the ubiquity of apparently perfect sex and cowed into celibacy as a result, I feel sorry and sad.

After all, if we were perfect lovers there would be nothing more to learn, and perhaps there really would then be no reason to continue.

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The hard reality of marriage

Be sexually safe this Valentine’s

Don’t let your partner kiss you if they are recovering from a cold sore or ulcer caused by HSV-1 as they can still pass the virus on to you. — AFP

G. vaginalis is the most common bacteria in the vagina and a common cause of bacterial vaginosis. — Filepic

https://youtu.be/2iWShIc3SiI 

 Absolutely amazing video clip... I really appreciate it..... Its an eye opener for our new generation who forget their roots and traditions. That's what have made us retrogress somehow to lead to immoral aspects.... Thumbs up to sender, Sister Swa

 

Being in a monogamous relationship, or abstaining from sex, doesn't necessarily guarantee from sexually-transmitted infection.

 Valentine's day usually invokes the notions of love and romance.

Just imagine, you are on a nice dinner date with your other half and spend the night together in an almost fairytale-like evening.

But this lovely memory soon gets shattered when you or your partner discover unusual symptoms in the genital region.

Suddenly, worry – and even suspicion of each other – fills the atmosphere between the two of you.

And it doesn’t help that it is a topic many people might find difficult to bring up with their partners.

Truth be told, most men and women who are in faithful relationships or who have not had sex before do not expect any unusual symptoms in their genital region.

To suddenly discover a wart, a painful ulcer, or even a smelly and fishy discharge from the vagina, can be distressing.

Whether it’s kissing, skin to skin contact, or vaginal, oral or anal sex, each of these interactions can pose a risk of disease transmission.

But before you jump the gun and start thinking that your partner has cheated on you or lied about their sexual history, hold your horses – he or she could still be innocent!

Here are the top three sexually-transmitted infections (STIs) that one may develop even if you are in a faithful relationship OR have not had sex before.

> Herpes simplex virus (HSV) 1

HSV-1 results in an incurable viral disease commonly known as herpes, which usually causes cold sores and oral ulcers in and around the lips and gums.

These cold sores and ulcers usually cause quite a bit of discomfort, especially when eating.

However, during the recovery stage of the cold sore or ulcer, you will usually not feel anything and may not even remember that you have it.

But it is still infectious at this stage and you may inadvertently spread the virus to your partner while kissing them.

The tricky part comes if you’ve engaged in oral sex with your partner.

Your partner may then develop ulcers around their genital region.

It is a misconception that genital ulcers are exclusively caused by HSV-2 as HSV-1 can also cause such ulcers.

According to the World Health Organization (WHO), about 70% of the world’s population are carriers of HSV-1. The good news is that oral and genital herpes are often asymptomatic (do not have symptoms).

They also do not spread to your partner when there are no active ulcers.

They only flare up when your immune system is weakened and become contagious through contact when an ulcer is present.

Flare-ups can occur once every few months to once every few years, to even once every few decades.

You may experience tiredness, chills, fever and body aches before the painful ulcers emerge, often in the same place either at the genitals or mouth.

It is not all doom and gloom however, as you can get an accurate diagnosis with either a swab test of the active ulcer or a blood test two to three months after an active infection.

Getting a confirmed diagnosis can equip you with knowledge on how to prevent this infection with lysine supplements or by treating any active ulcers with antiviral medicines such as valacyclovir.

If left untreated, these ulcers often get painful, but will eventually recover by themselves after two to three weeks.

> Human papillomavirus (HPV) warts

I know it’s a lot to take in after hearing about HSV, but hang in there as we discuss our next disease: HPV warts.

These are cauliflower-like warts caused by HPV.

There are over 100 strains of HPV.

Apart from the 14 cancer-causing high-risk strains, there are also numerous low-risk strains that cause warts.

HPV warts do not turn into cancer, but are often unsightly and manifest themselves in and around the genital region.

HPV is a very common virus that can be found in a large majority of sexually-active persons.

However, it is often well-controlled by our immune system and does not cause any major symptoms.

HPV can be exchanged between you and your partner during sexual contact.

And when your body encounters a new HPV strain, it can cause the warts to develop.

The good news is that although it is unsightly, these warts are often harmless and can be treated with a variety of options, including creams, freezing with liquid nitrogen, and ablation with heat or electrocautery.

While these warts are easily treatable, a cause of greater concern are the high-risk strains like HPV 16,18 and 45.

These strains affect women more because of their ability to cause cervical cancer.

However, both women and men can protect themselves and their partners by getting vaccinated against these strains.

So fret not if you notice an unusual cauliflower-like lump or wart in the genital region; just speak to your doctor to get it assessed and treated.

> Bacterial vaginosis

Last but not least, one of the biggest causes of a fishy and foul-smelling vaginal discharge is the condition known as bacterial vaginosis.

It occurs when there is an imbalance between the good and bad bacteria in your vagina, and is often caused by the bacteria called Gardnerella vaginalis, the most common bacteria in the vagina. 

In the event of a big build-up of bacteria, it can also cause one to develop symptoms of vaginitis, i.e. inflammation of the vagina, resulting in swelling, pain, and even painful sexual intercourse.

Until now, doctors and scientists do not know the exact mechanism of how this occurs, but sex – with or without condoms – often exacerbates this condition.

This condition can be easily diagnosed with a vaginal swab and treated with a vaginal pessary or oral antibiotics.

If you have read up to here, fret not, today can still be an amazing day for you and your partner – just make sure you practise safe sex and get yourselves tested for STIs as a precaution if you haven’t already.

By Dr Julian Hong who is a general practitioner (GP) in Singapore. For more information, email starhealth@thestar.com.my. The information provided is for educational purposes only and should not be considered as medical advice. The Star does not give any warranty on accuracy, completeness, functionality, usefulness or other assurances as to the content appearing in this column. The Star disclaims all responsibility for any losses, damage to property or personal injury suffered directly or indirectly from reliance on such information.

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Shy boys given rooms to grow as they are lagging girls

 

Schoolboys do relaxation exercises in an all boys class at the government-run Shanghai Number Eight High School. Shanghai, whose school system produces the world's top test-scorers, has launched China's first all-boys high school program with an eye on elite overseas institutions like Eton. Source: AFP

SHANGHAI: Teenage boys in a Shanghai school are on the front line of teaching reform after the world's top-scoring education system introduced male-only classes over worries they are lagging girls.

Rows of white-shirted boys are put through their paces as they are called up individually to complete a chemical formula by teacher Shen Huimin, who hopes that a switch to male-only classes will help them overcome their reticence.

"We give boys a chance to change," she said.

The Shanghai school system topped the Organisation for Economic Co-Operation and Development's (OECD) worldwide assessment tests of 15-year-olds in 2009, the most recent available, ahead of Korea, Finland, Hong Kong and Singapore.

But even so officials are concerned that some male students may be slower than their female counterparts in development and certain academic areas, such as language, and the shift towards single sex classes aims to boost boys' confidence.

Girls do better than boys in secondary school across the developed world, an OECD report found.

A prominent Chinese educator, Sun Yunxiao, found the proportion of boys classed among the top scholars in the country's "gaokao" university entrance exams plunged from 66.2 percent to 39.7 percent between 1999 and 2008.

Across the developed world, girls do better than boys in secondary school, the OECD's Programme for International Student Assessment (PISA) found in a 2009 report on the educational performances of 15-year-olds.

"There are significant gender differences in educational outcomes," it said, adding that high school graduation rates across the OECD were 87 percent for girls but only 79 percent for boys.

In response, Shanghai's elite Number Eight High School is halfway through the initial year of an experiment, putting 60 boys into two classes of their own - a quarter of its first-year students - and teaching them with a special curriculum.

Schoolboys solve a math problem in an all boys class at the government-run Shanghai Number Eight High School in Shanghai.

 "This is a big breakthrough," said principal Lu Qisheng. "There's lots of hope - hope that boys will grow up better.

"Boys when they are young do not spend enough time studying," he explained. "Boys' maturity, especially for language and showing self-control, lags behind girls."

-- "We lack confidence" -

China shut most same-sex schools after the Communist Party came to power in 1949, and the only all-boys junior high schools in the country are privately run.

The number of male students scoring top marks in China's university entrance exams has plunged from 66 per cent to 49 per cent

Shanghai does have an all-girls state-run high school, the former McTyeire School for Girls, which marked its 120th anniversary last year and counts the three Soong sisters - Qing-ling, Ai-ling and Mei-ling - among its former pupils.

Between them they married two leaders and an industrialist. Qing-ling married Sun Yat-sen, the first President of the Republic of China, while Mei-ling wed Chiang Kai-shek, who would also later become president.

Student Li Zhongyang, 15, said he felt less shy about answering questions in his all-boys class, but drew hoots of laughter from his fellows by suggesting an absence of girls let them concentrate more on study.

"We lack confidence," he said. "The teachers like girls, who answer more questions in class. This programme lets us realise we are not worse than girls."

It is something of a contrast to males' traditionally dominant roles in Chinese culture, but principal Lu said the programme "doesn't have much relationship to equality in society".

The scheme was launched after China's government called for more "diversification" in educational choices within the state system.

A Peking University professor has called for an even bolder reform, suggesting in September that boys should start school one or two years later than girls.

"The Chinese education system needs to improve and allow various education methods," Wu Bihu said on his microblog. Now Lu hopes to create China's first all-boys school one day.

"Ten or twenty years ago, there was no need for an all-boys class - just put everyone together," he said.

In an increasingly aspirational society, he added, some families saw the new programme as having connotations of top overseas private schools, and so promising an advantage in the highly competitive gaokao.

"The parents know: England has Eton," he said. - AFP