It's not love that keeps my marriage alive - it's SEX: The clergyman's wife who says desire has helped them through dark times

 

Annie Atkins says her celibate husband was the sexiest man she had ever met when they met, aged 20

• Annie Atkins says sex was the reason she married her husband Shaun
• Ms Atkins says her and clergyman husband seem to be in the minority 
• A survey has shown that 55 per cent of adults are happy with their sex lives

The other day, my husband Shaun and I went to a friend's drinks party. As the wine flowed, we got talking to a group of 50-something couples and the polite chatter turned to how we had all met our partners.

'And why did you marry each other?' we were asked in turn.

Spontaneously - and without conferring - Shaun and I both simultaneously said 'Sex,' and then laughed.

The couple who had asked us, both marriage counsellors, looked deeply shocked: 'We've never heard anyone say that before.'

Apparently, most couples say utterly drippy things such as: 'We wanted to support each other.'

Perhaps our reply was particularly shocking because Shaun is a clergyman. But the truth is that we vowed our lives to each other so we could make love to each other - for life.

While sex once seemed easy, it can tail off in later life thanks to the menopause, fears over our ageing bodies and the sad truth that familiarity can breed contempt

As this conversation, and a survey released last week by marriage counselling service Relate, showed, we seem to be in a minority.

" While sex once seemed easy, it can tail off in later life thanks to the menopause, fears over our ageing bodies and the sad truth that familiarity can breed contempt"

Relate's survey revealed that more than half the population has not had sex in the past four weeks, and 55 per cent of adults are unhappy with their sex life.

This is apparently because we're all so bombarded with messages about how sex 'ought to be' - in films, books such as Fifty Shades Of Grey, magazines and websites - that we're starting to avoid it altogether for fear of seeming less than perfect.

And this pressure can be especially prevalent for the over-50s. While sex once seemed easy, it can tail off in later life thanks to the menopause, fears over our ageing bodies and the sad truth that familiarity can breed contempt.

Well, lack of perfection has never bothered me - in fact, as we've got older, sex has become better and better.

The couple, who met at Oxford, married at 22, after Annie fell for Shaun's steely reserve and passion

People often say love inevitably changes from the heady, adrenaline-charged romance and lust of youth to something much more staid in middle age; that you can't stay 'in love' all your life. I passionately disagree.

Life-long love goes through different phases, but part of the endless fascination of it is that you never know where it might go next.

After all, what makes love-making within a marriage so endlessly interesting and fun is not endless variety, but the endless challenges in loving just one person.

The couple, who have five children, have been through hard times including Shaun's breakdown

People might be surprised to hear me - a regular on Radio 4's Thought For The Day and mother of five children - talk so openly about the crucial importance of love-making.

But it's the bond that has kept us together, the thread running through our shared lives, particularly when times have been difficult.

After being fortunate enough to find my perfect lover in my early 20s, I can't imagine ever wanting to be celibate.

Shaun and I met in our second year at Oxford University, both aged 20.

One morning a few months later, when we still barely knew each other, I took a break from an essay to visit him for coffee.

He utterly stunned me by telling me he was 'madly in love' with me.

That day I wrote to my parents: 'Just before lunchtime, I fell in love.'

Unlike Shaun - who, as a committed Christian, had kept himself scrupulously pure, not even kissing a girl - I'd had boyfriends through my teens, but had never wanted to have sex with any of them. With Shaun, I felt very differently. He woke something in me that I'd never felt before.

With his quiet, steely reserve and flashes of Irish poetry and passion, he was, quite simply, the sexiest man I'd ever met.

We wanted each other so much that he proposed to me later that year and we agreed to marry as soon as we reasonably could - straight after our Finals, aged 22.

Waiting for our wedding night to make love was far more difficult than getting a degree.

So, naturally, we told the shocked couple at the drinks party that we married for sex.

Ms Atkins was so attracted to Shaun she found the wait for their wedding night harder than getting her degree

Otherwise, why bother? Why not just be friends?

After all, it's sex that makes this relationship different from all others. However much we love our family and children and parents and friends, it is only the two of us who share that part of our lives together.

One of the great fallacies of married life is that during the downs, love-making must decline. In my experience, that's when sexual intimacy, even if not sex itself, is more crucial than ever.

NO AGE LIMIT

Nearly a third of women and over half of men over 70 are still sexually active

Throughout our many years together, Shaun and I have encountered tough times as well as good.

After our first child was born, I went off sex for several weeks. At the time I felt guilty - I believed I was letting Shaun down and I honestly didn't know whether I would ever be interested in making love again.

I explained and apologised. He told me not to be so silly and just held me each night in a friendly hug, which probably restored me far faster than anything else could have done.

Annie admits she understand how older couples can become shy about making love... +8 View gallery

But claims that making love to her husband is the closest form of togetherness they have +8 View gallery

A passionate sex life has kept the couple strong though difficult times, boosting their self-esteem

I've never felt that way since - not even after the births of the next four - but it communicated to me very memorably that sometimes the most loving way to make love is to give an undemanding cuddle.

Some years ago, Shaun had got into a rut in his parish and he retreated into himself. He barely spoke for several weeks, let alone touched me.

I was so wretched and lonely I wanted to die, and for that brief time I could understand what drives women to take lovers.

What makes love-making within a marriage so endlessly interesting and fun is not endless variety, but the endless challenges in loving just one person

Happily I didn't, and when we eventually were together again, we were as close as ever.

 
"What makes love-making within a marriage so endlessly interesting and fun is not endless variety, but the endless challenges in loving just one person"

But our troubles were not yet over. Several years ago, Shaun suffered a devastating, work-induced breakdown. When our wonderful and sympathetic GP suggested helping him through the first few weeks with an anti-depressant, my heart sank.

The whole family was going through terrible trauma as a result of it all. It's honestly true that making love was the only activity for some time that had put a spontaneous smile on my face.

I dreaded the drug and its side effects. Would Shaun lose all desire for me? Was I not even to have that pleasure any more?

Happily, that didn't happen, but in a bid to boost his self-esteem, I felt the least I could do was to take the initiative frequently in the bedroom.

I remember reading a magazine article not long afterwards about a couple who vowed to make love to each other every day for a year and thinking: ‘Only once a day?’

As I write, I am going through a fragile phase. Our daughter has been struggling with a long-term illness and I’ve been missing my dear late mother every day.

Even through her husband's breakdown and her mother's death, Annie says sex gives the couple intimacy +8 View gallery

Even through her husband's breakdown and her mother's death, Annie says sex gives the couple intimacy

So I don’t feel particularly sexy, but nonetheless I value sex more than ever.

When Shaun makes love to me, I feel whole again. By night, it gives me a far deeper sleep; in the morning, more energy for the day. It’s the closest form of togetherness we have.

There are many ways to make love. A flower, a passionate text, a passing kiss — each can be thrilling and memorable.

And if people are genuinely so intimidated by the ubiquity of apparently perfect sex and cowed into celibacy as a result, I feel sorry and sad.

After all, if we were perfect lovers there would be nothing more to learn, and perhaps there really would then be no reason to continue.

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The hard reality of marriage

Be sexually safe this Valentine’s

Don’t let your partner kiss you if they are recovering from a cold sore or ulcer caused by HSV-1 as they can still pass the virus on to you. — AFP

G. vaginalis is the most common bacteria in the vagina and a common cause of bacterial vaginosis. — Filepic

https://youtu.be/2iWShIc3SiI 

 Absolutely amazing video clip... I really appreciate it..... Its an eye opener for our new generation who forget their roots and traditions. That's what have made us retrogress somehow to lead to immoral aspects.... Thumbs up to sender, Sister Swa

 

Being in a monogamous relationship, or abstaining from sex, doesn't necessarily guarantee from sexually-transmitted infection.

 Valentine's day usually invokes the notions of love and romance.

Just imagine, you are on a nice dinner date with your other half and spend the night together in an almost fairytale-like evening.

But this lovely memory soon gets shattered when you or your partner discover unusual symptoms in the genital region.

Suddenly, worry – and even suspicion of each other – fills the atmosphere between the two of you.

And it doesn’t help that it is a topic many people might find difficult to bring up with their partners.

Truth be told, most men and women who are in faithful relationships or who have not had sex before do not expect any unusual symptoms in their genital region.

To suddenly discover a wart, a painful ulcer, or even a smelly and fishy discharge from the vagina, can be distressing.

Whether it’s kissing, skin to skin contact, or vaginal, oral or anal sex, each of these interactions can pose a risk of disease transmission.

But before you jump the gun and start thinking that your partner has cheated on you or lied about their sexual history, hold your horses – he or she could still be innocent!

Here are the top three sexually-transmitted infections (STIs) that one may develop even if you are in a faithful relationship OR have not had sex before.

> Herpes simplex virus (HSV) 1

HSV-1 results in an incurable viral disease commonly known as herpes, which usually causes cold sores and oral ulcers in and around the lips and gums.

These cold sores and ulcers usually cause quite a bit of discomfort, especially when eating.

However, during the recovery stage of the cold sore or ulcer, you will usually not feel anything and may not even remember that you have it.

But it is still infectious at this stage and you may inadvertently spread the virus to your partner while kissing them.

The tricky part comes if you’ve engaged in oral sex with your partner.

Your partner may then develop ulcers around their genital region.

It is a misconception that genital ulcers are exclusively caused by HSV-2 as HSV-1 can also cause such ulcers.

According to the World Health Organization (WHO), about 70% of the world’s population are carriers of HSV-1. The good news is that oral and genital herpes are often asymptomatic (do not have symptoms).

They also do not spread to your partner when there are no active ulcers.

They only flare up when your immune system is weakened and become contagious through contact when an ulcer is present.

Flare-ups can occur once every few months to once every few years, to even once every few decades.

You may experience tiredness, chills, fever and body aches before the painful ulcers emerge, often in the same place either at the genitals or mouth.

It is not all doom and gloom however, as you can get an accurate diagnosis with either a swab test of the active ulcer or a blood test two to three months after an active infection.

Getting a confirmed diagnosis can equip you with knowledge on how to prevent this infection with lysine supplements or by treating any active ulcers with antiviral medicines such as valacyclovir.

If left untreated, these ulcers often get painful, but will eventually recover by themselves after two to three weeks.

> Human papillomavirus (HPV) warts

I know it’s a lot to take in after hearing about HSV, but hang in there as we discuss our next disease: HPV warts.

These are cauliflower-like warts caused by HPV.

There are over 100 strains of HPV.

Apart from the 14 cancer-causing high-risk strains, there are also numerous low-risk strains that cause warts.

HPV warts do not turn into cancer, but are often unsightly and manifest themselves in and around the genital region.

HPV is a very common virus that can be found in a large majority of sexually-active persons.

However, it is often well-controlled by our immune system and does not cause any major symptoms.

HPV can be exchanged between you and your partner during sexual contact.

And when your body encounters a new HPV strain, it can cause the warts to develop.

The good news is that although it is unsightly, these warts are often harmless and can be treated with a variety of options, including creams, freezing with liquid nitrogen, and ablation with heat or electrocautery.

While these warts are easily treatable, a cause of greater concern are the high-risk strains like HPV 16,18 and 45.

These strains affect women more because of their ability to cause cervical cancer.

However, both women and men can protect themselves and their partners by getting vaccinated against these strains.

So fret not if you notice an unusual cauliflower-like lump or wart in the genital region; just speak to your doctor to get it assessed and treated.

> Bacterial vaginosis

Last but not least, one of the biggest causes of a fishy and foul-smelling vaginal discharge is the condition known as bacterial vaginosis.

It occurs when there is an imbalance between the good and bad bacteria in your vagina, and is often caused by the bacteria called Gardnerella vaginalis, the most common bacteria in the vagina. 

In the event of a big build-up of bacteria, it can also cause one to develop symptoms of vaginitis, i.e. inflammation of the vagina, resulting in swelling, pain, and even painful sexual intercourse.

Until now, doctors and scientists do not know the exact mechanism of how this occurs, but sex – with or without condoms – often exacerbates this condition.

This condition can be easily diagnosed with a vaginal swab and treated with a vaginal pessary or oral antibiotics.

If you have read up to here, fret not, today can still be an amazing day for you and your partner – just make sure you practise safe sex and get yourselves tested for STIs as a precaution if you haven’t already.

By Dr Julian Hong who is a general practitioner (GP) in Singapore. For more information, email starhealth@thestar.com.my. The information provided is for educational purposes only and should not be considered as medical advice. The Star does not give any warranty on accuracy, completeness, functionality, usefulness or other assurances as to the content appearing in this column. The Star disclaims all responsibility for any losses, damage to property or personal injury suffered directly or indirectly from reliance on such information.

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 What the writer and his wife love about being parents is that their children have enhanced their lives in so many ways

To the writer and his wife, parenthood is their greatest achievement although they have experienced difficult trials along the way.

FINANCIAL reasons is the normal excuse given by some who are not willing to have children. This is shocking.

Sure, having kids will affect our budget but that should not be the reason for not having children, or at least one child. To those who do not want to have children, I have reasons to change your mind.

When my wife, who was then earning as much as I did, decided to forego her job as a bank officer and concentrate on being a mother, it was our decision to prioritise our children’s upbringing rather than focus on our financial standing. We knew then that we really had to tighten our belts, but with careful planning, we survived.

Nothing else can produce the joy that parenthood offers. I can’t imagine going through life without feeling that spectrum of emotions. Feeling it all, good and bad, gives our lives as a married couple more purpose and challenges.

There is the pure joy of just watching our children be kids and reliving all those first moments when they discover how to do things on their own. Their smiles, giggles and pride in new accomplishments, even though some may be mischief in nature, were a sheer pleasure to watch.

As the sole income earner in the family, I could have had the worst day at work, but to come home and listen to our children, discuss their day with my wife, or to overhear them giggle while playing or watching television makes the worst day disappear.

I was 33 when I had my first kid. Though my first child wasn’t born normal, having children was such a life-altering experience. My wife and I were always looking for a purpose in our lives and when we had our children, we found it.

We love being parents. Seeing them do well in their studies and behaviour-wise, we know we are doing right thus far. That doesn’t mean we don’t have our share of mistakes but we are better persons for knowing our children and are very honoured to be their parents.

My wife and I love being parents because of the hugs, giggles and grins. When our kids are happy, so are we. As they grew, they amazed us every day with their new words, behaviour and discoveries. They have taught us to be more patient, more loving and much more appreciative of every moment we have together as a family.

Parenthood is a joy. Even while experiencing the hardest trials of our lives, we have learned to rise to all occasions. We’ve found ourselves lifted to new heights while stretching ourselves beyond our limits once we put it upon ourselves to guide them. With rarely a dull moment, we’ve experienced more adventures from parenting our children than we ever imagined.

Parenthood is our life, our passion and our greatest achievement. We also love watching our kids evolve into empathetic, kind human beings who can think for themselves, like spending their money thriftily and being involved in various school activities. You don’t realise the progress until far down the road but the wait is so worthwhile.

We don’t deny that parenthood is a hectic life filled with schedules, diaper changes, feedings, spendings and much more. There are so many things we love about being parents, but the one that stops us dead in our tracks is when each of our children turn to us and say, “Ayah Mi” (referring to me) and “Mak” (referring to my wife).

We love the fact that when our children were growing up to be adults, we were beside them every step of the way, teaching, helping, moulding and loving them.

Life may be great for those who do not want to have children but life will be even better once they have been blessed to become parents.

What we love about being parents is that our children have enhanced our lives in so many ways. We are a better husband, a better wife, better employees, neighbours, relatives and friends. We would rather have our worst days with our kids than to have our best days without them.

By DR ARZMI YAACOB

Chinese women's marriage criteria,logical search for a mate

72% of women consider housing as a key requirement for a marriage partner, says the latest report of the Chinese Marriage Status Survey 2014, issued by China’s leading marriage service provider Baihe.com on Jan.11, 2015.

Researchers collected the results of 73,215 online questionnaires and held in-depth off-line interviews with 200 single men and women from 34 provinces, municipalities and autonomous regions.

Why still single?

The report shows that 63% of single men and women spend an average of more than six hours alone on their rest days; and 32% spend more than 10 hours alone. Surfing the internet, hanging out with friends, and just “quietly” staying at home have become the top three activities for single people.

32% of single women follow TV dramas while 67% of men scan websites, killing their private time at home.

The report concludes that the main reasons for remaining single is too much time spent alone - too few social contacts is the top obstacle to meeting the right person. 80% of single women report this.

Gender differences in marriage requirements

Nowadays, love is no longer the only passport for two people to enter marriage. The report says that more than 40% of single men and women are only willing to get married with a person in a suitable situation. People are becoming ever more rational and realistic when choosing their spouses.

The top three concerns for single men are appearance, physical health, and emotional experience. Single women attach more importance to a partner’s financial situation, physical health, and career.

33% of single men and 27% of single women have experienced interference from parents in their relationships.

Focus on housing

The report shows that 71% of women view housing as a key requirement for a potential marriage partner. 18% of women counted car ownership as one of the basic requirements, a rise of 9% compared with 2012. Both men and women said that a stable income and some savings were important factors.

Nearly 60 percent of women do not intend to have a second child, according to the report, although China has relaxed its birth control policy to allow couples to have a second child if either parent is an only child.

The report also shows that 33% of women think that Chinese men do not deserve Chinese women, in terms of "self-accomplishments and ability to care for themselves." - (People's Daily Online)

The logical search for a mate

‘Love’ takes a back seat when seeking prospective life partners

LOVE is not the only criterion for marriage in China. A recent survey shows that more than 40% of Chinese look to marry someone who suits them in appearance, educational background, social status, income and other characteristics.

Baihe.com, a major dating portal in China, released its 2014 Chinese Marriage Status Survey Report on Sunday.

The site has tracked marriage trends in the country since 2007.

The latest results show that 44.4% of male and 49.7% of female respondents said the reasons for their choice of a marriage partner include their prospective mate’s coming from a family of equal social rank.

“This means people are much more rational when it comes to the marriage decision,” the report said.

“They would like to match each other under every single standard. Love is no longer the only pass.”

The report also said that more than 70% of female respondents said they would consider marriage only if the male partner owns property.

And more than 70% of the women hoped their future husband’s income would be double their own.

Zhou Xiaopeng, the chief marriage consultant at Baihe.com, characterised the phenomenon as “supermarket marriage”, where people come with “money in hand” and want to select the best “products” after shopping around.

Tu Ying, a researcher at the portal, said that seeking a partner with quantifiable requirements is efficient.

“In everyday life, it is more and more difficult to find the right person and get to know him or her – not to mention the cost it comes with,” Tu said. “If people start with quantifiable standards, and then develop their relationship based on that, it is more likely to be a stable relationship.

“Starting marriage with money cannot guarantee stability from the beginning.

“Every relationship needs cultivation from each side.”

Zhou Xiaozheng, a professor of sociology at Renmin University of China, attributes the new approach to marriage choices to changes in society.

“Chinese people’s view of choosing a mate has undergone many changes,” Zhou said.

“In the past, marriage was arranged by parents, which reflected the will of family or country. Then it became a personal choice, or socalled love choice. And now it is more related to material standards, or what we call materialism in marriage.”

“This is simply because people live in a materialistic world: A couple needs an apartment to live in, which costs a lot; the couple needs to find a good school for their children, which costs a lot; the couple who live far away from their parents need to find a way to support them, which also costs a lot,” Zhou said. “It is a vicious circle.”

Zhou said to reverse the materialistic trend, the country needs to continue its anti-corruption campaign and improve social welfare, and young people need to know that money is not the solution to everything. - China Daily/Asia News Network

A father’s love for his family

You don’t need words to express how you feel when deeds can clearly get the message across

BEING close to 1,000km away from home by air indirectly means that a lot of times, I will miss out on many celebrations in Kuching.

Earlier this month, the Sarawakians were celebrating Gawai, or the harvest festival in the state.

Although the Dragon Boat Festival is also celebrated here, it is not the same without my mother’s home-made dumplings.

The faster pace of life here coupled with the number of activities I can do keep me occupied and provide me with a sense of fulfilment.

However, when I slow down, I will feel homesick once in a while.

Not long ago, I called my father to tell him that I would like to fly back to Kuching for a break.

He told me to save the flight money and “rest” because he thinks that flying can be a bit of a hassle.

It may sound odd as to why a father would tell his daughter not to go home for those reasons.

Flight tickets are very affordable these days especially during the off peak seasons or when the airlines are running a promotion.

And while it does take some effort to get to the airport, check-in and fly back all that usually takes about four hours (assuming there is no delay with the flight).

For a round trip back to my hometown, it possibly costs me a few hundred ringgit and eight hours of travelling but that, according to my father, is an unnecessary waste of time and money.

“Save your hard-earned money for better use,” he would say.

So, usually, I will fly back twice a year; once during Chinese New Year and another trip will be made as and when I want to.

“There really is no need to come back so often. It is such a chore. All you have to do is call us more often,” he argued.

I did not argue that it would not be the same because my father’s logic is slightly different from others’ and he is a bit stubborn.

“A bit” may be an understatement based on my mother’s standard but that is my father.

A man of few words who sometimes says things that people least expect and to a certain degree, mysterious.

Mysterious in a sense that no one in the family knows what he really thinks and how he really feels.

Sometimes I ask, “Why?”, and he will reply, “Don’t ask so much”.

Surprisingly, asking questions is part and parcel of what I do for a living now.

Compared to my mother, who will show her concern and express her thoughts overtly (and most of the times excessively), my father appears somewhat “emotionally detached”.

My mother is the kind who will impose her values and what she thinks is good on her children but my father appears cool and easy-going with many of the decisions his children make in life.

The difference in their approaches became antecedent to their arguments but my mother will usually have the last word.

When my mother gets angry, we usually know the reason but when my father becomes furious, the cause is mostly unknown.

Hence, that makes me wonder more, “Why?”

I cannot even comprehend the kind of food he loves – duck neck and fish head.

Most people prefer the meaty parts.

After countless “whys” on the subject, I finally realised that, all these are just the ways my father expresses his love.

He leaves the best for his family.

He swallows his pain, conceals his emotions because he does not want others to worry.

It is also because “by default” based on most societies’ standards, a man has to put a strong front to provide for and to protect his family.

His love is in his actions but not words, subtle yet powerful, silent yet beautiful. That, is a father’s love for his family.

> Ng Bei Shan, a business journalist with The Star, salutes all the fathers for being a warrior of their families. She hopes those who are able to celebrate the coming Father’s Day to treasure the moments with their heroes and gently reminds those who cannot make it back home to give their fathers a warm greeting.

 Contributed by  # BAH! Ng Bei Shan
Ng Bei Shan, a business journalist with the Star, salutes all the fathers for being a warrior of their families. She hopes those who are able to celebrate the coming Father's Day to treasure the moments with their heroes and gently reminds those who cannot make it back home to give their fathers a warm greeting.

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Virgin killer was adored

'Unloved' killer was adored

For someone who felt unloved and wanted revenge for that, Elliot Rodger was a much-loved child.

His Malaysian-born mother Ong Li Chin thought the world of her children, her good friend from Penang, Helen Yap said.

Yap, a well-known music producer and composer, knew Ong from their days together in Pulau Tikus on the island.

“Li Chin would always sign off her name as well as her children’s names in Christmas cards,” she said.

Foreign wire reports stated that Ong hurried to try to stop her son from carrying out his death wish. She searched frantically for her son after he posted a 140-page document “My Twisted World – The Story of Elliot Rodger” on Friday.

In it, he had lamented about how women did not like him and wanted to take revenge on them. The 22-year-old also expressed frustration at still being a virgin.

Elliot Rodger in a picture taken from his Facebook page.

He later went out and stabbed three people to death before gunning down three others.

“We were all devastated upon learning about the tragedy. It came as a shock,” Yap added.

Yap also said Rodger would have been a hit with the girls had he grown up in Malaysia.

Although Ong and other schoolmates grew apart over the years, Yap said they had always felt a special attachment towards each other.

She added that they only found out through the media that Elliot had been seeing a therapist from the age of eight.

Another of Ong’s schoolmates, who did not want to be named, said that like most children, Rodger wanted to do things his way.

Ong Li Chin with Elliot’s sister Georgia.

She recalled that the boy had refused to take his shoes off when he was entering a house in Penang.

Rodger, who was born in England and grew up in United States, was not accustomed to the Malaysian culture of being barefoot in the house.

“That is all I remember about him when his mother brought him to Penang for a holiday when he was about 10 or 11,” she said. (According to his own document, Rodger was 13 when he visted Penang).

Ong, now 53, had brought her son and daughter to visit Penang many years ago.

She then posted in a Penang website about her visit to Penang with her children, Elliot and Georgia.

“After being all around the world, having lived in the UK and now in Los Angeles, working alongside famous Hollywood figures – I can truly say you guys over there in Pulau Tikus still have ... my fondest memories,” she wrote.

Contributed by Sira Habibu The Star/Asia News network

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Treasures of the heart; Happy Teachers Day

Many fall into the trap of ‘loving things and using people’, but it is the unseen treasures that matter most.

PULAU Nangka off Malacca may be unknown to most of us, but not to treasure hunters who have been working to unearth a multi-billion ringgit loot that is believed to be buried somewhere on the island.

It’s the kind of stuff Indiana Jones would be interested in. So when it was announced that two ancient coins – supposedly from the Malacca Sultanate era – were found last week, the newspapers went to town with the news.

But in dealing with the discovery of lost treasures, dinosaurs and religious artifacts, it is never wise to celebrate too early.

The find at Pulau Nangka is awaiting authentication, but the circumstances with regards to the timing of the discovery have thrown up many questions, which leads one to conclude that this may be a false alarm after all.

People in general are always on the hunt for treasures. Okay, few of us would venture into jungles or dive to the bottom of the sea.

But if we examine our own lives, we may actually find that the material wealth that we have accumulated over the years is like an inventory of treasures.

They can be major assets like property, cars, stocks or jewellery. Or they can even be minor, everyday items. We can laugh about Imelda Marcos’ collection of shoes but frankly, isn’t there a bit of Imelda in everyone of us?

Be it shoes, handbags, clothes, phones or computers, we go hunting in the malls, collect what we desire, use them for a while and then store them away.

Many are reluctant to let go of their “treasures” and give them away only when they run out of space, by which time the shoes cannot be worn anymore and the computers can no longer run.

There are many recycling booths in my neighbourhood, and it is sad to see that they are mainly used as garbage dumps.

I have gone around to collect things from people who want to donate to charity but more often than not, I find that I am just transferring them to a dump.

What’s the point of giving away things that are no longer usable or which may even pose a danger to the people we supposedly want to help?

That’s the problem with earthly treasures. They have a definite “use by” date and are subjected to wear and tear.

Worse, because we love our things so much, we cry buckets when thieves cart away our latest smartphones and electronic gadgets. Or when we get a tiny scratch on our new luxury car.

We tend to “love things and use people” when material possessions are our treasures.

Fortunately, there are real treasures in life that are worth accumulating. Even Christie’s and Sotheby’s cannot put a value to them.

My dear friend rushed from an official function to hold my hand when I struggled during one chemotherapy session. A warm embrace between a Muslim and a Christian – that was a treasured moment.

I am indeed blessed with many treasures bequeathed to me from family, friends and total strangers. They do not take up space in my house, but they fill up every nook and corner in my heart.

> Executive editor Soo Ewe Jin (ewejin@thestar.com.my) wishes all mothers Happy Mother’s Day, mindful that “when someone you love becomes a memory, that memory becomes a treasure to always hold in your heart”.

The value of teachers

WE often hear stories about kiasu parents in Singapore who go to great lengths to ensure their children are enrolled in top-notch schools.

But there is one school in the island republic that is also in high demand, but for a different reason.

Northlight School, which has earned itself a reputation as a school of opportunities and possibilities, only admits those who have failed the Primary School Leaving Exami­nation (PSLE) at least twice, and are deemed unable to progress to secon­dary-level education.

I heard about this school for the first time at a gathering of Klang Valley teachers held in Petaling Jaya last Tuesday in conjunction with Teachers Day.

The motivational speaker from Singapore kept everyone in awe as she shared about the success stories from that school – how a pool of dedicated and compassionate teachers transformed the lives of so many because of their belief that “Failure in an exam is not failure in life”.

I love teachers who educate and not just teach their students. These are the teachers who help shape the character of their students because they value effort, creativity and strength of character. And because they care, they will always be remembered.

Our Second Education Minister Datuk Seri Idris Jusoh shared about the late Cikgu Fatimah, a former headmistress at SM Tengku Mah­mud, in his hometown of Besut, Terengganu (“Always in sight, forever in my heart,” The Star, May 16).

“During her life, she’d always visit her students and their parents at their homes and would help them solve issues faced not just by the students but the family as a whole. She’d provide guidance, support and motivation to them even after school hours, going well beyond the call of duty,” the minister wrote.

“When Cikgu Fatimah fell sick, her students took care of her until she passed away. Such is the reciprocal love and care of the students to their teacher who led by example.”

How touching. Coming from that generation, I also have many such stories to share, but we must not think that these stories only happen in the good old days. Maybe they are imprinted more deeply in our minds because we had fewer distractions back then.

I know of many teachers still in service in various parts of the country who reach out to their students be­­­­­­­yond the classroom. Where others see despair, they see hope. And so they plod on, amidst the many challenges, to make a difference in the lives of their students.

And we are not just talking about schools in the outback but also those in the urban centres. Those who go to top schools but always end up in the so-called bottom classes will understand what I mean.

When the school goes rah-rah over the super-duper achievers, it takes a special teacher to see the worth in a young student in the lower class who will never get that kind of attention.

The seeds of encouragement she sows may take a while to blossom, but they will.

I was glad to recognise a number of such teachers in that gathering on Tuesday. They may not be getting the headlines, but they do not labour in vain. Happy Teachers Day.

Contributed by Sunday Starters, Soo Ewe Jin The Star
> Executive editor Soo Ewe Jin (ewejin@thestar.com.my) wishes all mothers Happy Mother’s Day, mindful that “when someone you love becomes a memory, that memory becomes a treasure to always hold in your heart”.

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Transforming the company into a heavyweight, sharing his love

Tee (left) and Ooi chatting with Mazlin.

Transforming Daya into a heavyweight

Contributed by Tee Lin Say

YOU have to meet Daya Materials Bhd executive vice-chairman Datuk Mazlin Junid in person to understand why he appeals to people at large.

The first thing you notice is how witty and direct he is. So, no superficial talk on “how your day was” or whether “the coffee tastes okay”.

Mazlin tells you things as it is, so don’t ask if you aren’t prepared. That, however, is his charm. What you see is really what you get.

Physically, Mazlin is good looking. Despite the Prada loafers and 7 for all mankind jeans, there is an almost Neanderthal-like quality about him. In the band of brotherhood, Mazlin’s more of your Vin Diesel than an Orlando Bloom.

He has two great goals in life now. The first is a vision to transform Daya into a heavyweight. He’s aiming for the company to join the billion dollar club over the next three years. (For the nine months to Sept 30, 2013, Daya’s revenue jumped 110% to RM373mil in revenue and net profit increased 26.74% to RM18.9mil)

The other, is to look like his idol, Australian actor Hugh Jackman.

He loves the pain that comes with pushing himself to extremes. Dumb bells are his favourite toys. Why, he even celebrated his birthday in the gym with his gym mates.

“I am 52 now. I have done it all. The cars, the yacht, you name it. What turns me on now is winning contracts for Daya,” says Mazlin resolutely.

“At the end of the day, a company needs to deliver. We are very focused on creating value and growing the company over the long term. I have huge responsibility to my staff and the people who gave us contracts. We have to deliver based on my vision for the company, Daya is still undervalued, “says Mazlin.

“You must always take responsibility. It’s not about following your emotions. Whether it’s to your family, the people you work for, your client, or someone you dislike, take responsibility,” he says.

He adds that with Daya Offshore Construction Sdn Bhd (DOC) going out there to secure contracts from Norway, Daya is in fact going against the grain of typical Malaysian oil and gas companies.

When asked what Malaysia’s problems are, he responds: “If there is a hard truth Malaysian companies must learn, it is to stop the habit of political patronage,”

Not surprising, Daya has been one of Bursa Malaysia’s outperformers this year. On a year-to-date basis, the stock is up 116% to 41 sen as of Thursday.

While Daya started off in 1994 as a specialised polymer company, it has since expanded substantially into the oil and gas (O&G) business. Daya was initially more focused on the downstream O&G segment, where it was already established as a leader particularly in chemical services. It chugged along, growing organically until this year, which was clearly the inflection point for Daya.

This started with the formation of DOC last September, of which Mazlin appointed Mark Midgley CEO.

Almost immediately DOC began delivering results.

The arrival of vessels Siem Daya 1 and Siem Daya 2 literally created waves. DOC secured two major contracts in less than six months from Norwegian firm Technip Norge AS for charter and subsea contracts worth RM440mil and RM100mil-RM176mil respectively.

The latest research house to give its mark of approval to Daya’s efforts is RHB Research, which has a 48-sen target price. DOC is already contributing almost 50% to Daya’s topline.

“Suddenly Nathan (Daya’s MD Nathan Tham) was busy answering calls from some 40 fund managers. People wanted our shares and started saying Daya was the smallest O&G stock and with the most growth. I guess this is what happens when earnings have been growing organically over the last five years,” laughs Mazlin.

Sharing his love

Contributed by Xandria Ooi

FASCINATION is what I’m feeling when talking to Datuk Mazlin Junid, a man who doesn’t mince his words, yet laughs so often you know he doesn’t take himself seriously.

Work, however, is a different matter.

When you’re a business leader, he says, you don’t have to be liked. “If you want to be popular, you can’t get things done.”

We’re sitting in the quiet guest lounge of Daya Materials and Mazlin is extremely casual and candid. It feels like a chat, not an interview.

He explains to me how he doesn’t hesitate to fire people, even at the directorial level, because they either weren’t performing or did something that conflicted with the interests of the company.

“And he could be a friend,” he says matter-of-factly. “Friendship is secondary, the company always comes first. All that matters is our bottom line.”

I can’t let it go, not quite believing that a man as affable as he is, truly doesn’t care what his employees think of him. Don’t people who like and respect their bosses look forward to going to work and having the motivation to work harder?

“Well, I like them to like their jobs.”

Would you be okay if your successor in the future is a woman?

“Oh certainly, I’m not gender specific. I’d like to have more female board members but right now, there’s only a few. Malaysia’s industry has always been a bit chauvinistic with few women leaders, except maybe banking.”

He mentions Bank Negara governor Tan Sri Dr Zeti Akhtar Aziz as a woman he feels is a brilliant leader, alongside Tan Sri Rafidah Aziz and Datuk Farah Khan.

“Women,” he says, “are more passionate. There are very few female business leaders who can be as cold-hearted as men. People like me, I’m very cold-hearted.”

In what way? “Well, when I take more than one wife, for example, I’m very cold-hearted about it.”

But that’s not business, I protest, laughing.

But since he brings up his wives, I assume I’ve just been given permission to delve into the topic of his rather large family, with four wives and now three, after a recent divorce.

People ask him, all the time, why he chose to have so many wives.

“And I tell them ... because I could. Although now, I wish I hadn’t.”

Why? I’m fascinated. This is, by far, one of the most interesting conversations I’ve had about relationships.

He makes a noise, somewhere between a grunt and a sigh. “The amount of stress and management! Obviously, all these things that happened, nothing was planned.”

I raise my eyebrows. What do you mean, nothing was planned? When you propose to a woman, isn’t it planned? I point out.

He counters that it wasn’t his lifelong ambition to get married multiple times. “Sometimes it was done on a spur of a moment”.

Are you the kind of man who gets swept away by love and that’s why you propose to women on impulse?

“That’s a good question,” he muses. “Somebody asked if I know what love means. Until today, I can’t figure it out – what love for a wife is all about. Responsibility, somehow, is stacked right at the top for me.

Running one household is hardly easy, but to run four (now three) at a time, takes some mighty management skills. Mazlin has it down to a workable, practical schedule that he says keeps everyone happy.

As he explains it, “Relationships are just like work. I use my work practices at home. There are tasks to be done and I implement the same regime for every household.”

I listen wide-eyed as he elaborates, describing how he sometimes repeats the same holiday three times with his different wives.

“No, my wives don’t mix,” he volunteers the information, knowing what I am about to ask just from the look on my face.

Surely there’s bound to be jealousy?

“They’re not jealous of each other, but they’re jealous of other women!” he declares and I am reminded of how he can now marry another.

“Somebody asked me if I’m on a fleet renewal programme,” he jokes. “But no, I have my hands full right now.”